Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
