Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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