Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
