i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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