His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
