I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
