i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
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