I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
