If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
