Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
