He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
You ate ashes out of my bong
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
