Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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