um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
