OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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