Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
honey bunches of taint.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
