I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
