Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
