I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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