Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
