When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
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