He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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