I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
it hurts more in the daytime
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
