In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I think pants incapable of making pants work
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
