How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
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