well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize