Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
