My hand turned me down
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
