My sheets look like a crime scene.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize