That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
