I cannot find my penis.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
