Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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