Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
We need to get me chipped asap
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
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