The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
