This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
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