We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
