3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
