we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
