Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
