the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
