so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
it's great music for shaving your balls
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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