i need an iv and a liver transplant
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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