Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
