i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
