first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Randomize