We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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