fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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