Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
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