so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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