I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
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