WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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