There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
