I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
My ATM looks so different sober.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Randomize