Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
