You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
my liver is dry heaving
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
