I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
