i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
