Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize