Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
