my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Pants are for mortals
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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