Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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